When I was 9-years old, I found out that I was adopted. After struggling with infertility for several years my parents decided to adopt my older brother and then three years later they adopted me. I am VERY GRATEFUL to my parents for raising me to be the man I am today. Growing up it was always a dream of mine to have a biological child. It would allow me, for the FIRST TIME in my life, to see someone in this world who looks like me, shares some of my mannerisms, and has my blood running thru their veins.
In 2003, God blessed me with my wife, Britni. After three years of marriage, God prompted me to start trying to grow our family. I figured we would get pregnant easily, like everyone else, and enjoy life with our new baby. Little did I know how CHALLENGING the years ahead would be and the journey God would take us on. Since 2005, Britni and I have been blessed with two healthy boys, but we also have four babies that are up in Heaven.
During those first three miscarriages, there were a lot of emotions / prayers / decisions. After we had our first miscarriage, one of the initial emotions I remember was ASKING GOD WHY. Why us? We were faithful in church, we had worked hard all our lives, felt we were financially stable and ready to start our family. In addition to asking why, I started comparing our lives with other couples, single mothers, teenage kids, people I felt were not financially stable and ready to have children. I QUESTIONED GOD VS. ACCEPTING THAT HE WAS IN CONTROL. I had a hard time following his path because his plan wasn’t going my way. At the same time, I STRUGGLED TO BE THERE FOR MY WIFE. I WANTED TO SUPPORT HER BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW. I felt as her husband, I needed to stay strong, pray for her, and try to help with her grief, but I didn’t even know how to handle my own feelings. Friends and family asked once or twice how I was doing, but that was it. I felt like there was NO SUPPORT for me. No one checked on me, I assumed people were praying for me, but I didn’t know. Seeing my wife go through each miscarriage-the ER visits, D&Cs, seeing her have morning sickness knowing the baby inside her had no heartbeat, the bleeding, the bed rest, I FELT HELPLESS. I thought that I wasn’t there for Britni as I should have been and that I had broken my promise to God and her parents to always be there for her and take care of her.
I cried, felt alone, and didn’t know anyone who could help me. I would have loved support during this time, someone to talk to or a support group that my wife and I could attend to hear stories of others who had been down this road.
I am not going to lie, there was a lot of ANGER, SELF DOUBT, questioning God and honestly not even wanting to try and have a child. The anger I felt was at God, myself, and just life in general. I didn’t know if God was punishing me for my past, if God sensed Britni and I were not good enough or stable enough to be parents, or if we were just unable to have children. I honestly thought about not having children at all. After the 2nd and 3rd miscarriage, I wanted to give up on the dream of expanding our family so the hurt would go away. The emotional roller coaster of getting excited about a pregnancy just to hear the doctor say, “sorry no heartbeat” was taking its toll.
In late 2007, we met with an infertility doctor in Plano, TX. He ran a number of tests on Britni and myself. After one surgery on Britni, he felt he found the problem and fixed it. To be a man and have tests run on you, and to find out you might be the problem on why you can’t have kids, was very humbling and embarrassing. Because of our faith, we chose not to do everything in the manner in which the clinic was accustomed because it went against our beliefs. By this time, we were keeping track of the exact days and times of when we could even try to conceive a child. Intimacy was difficult. IT FELT MORE LIKE A JOB rather than the enjoyment that God made it to be. Months and months went by without getting pregnant and the doubts and emotions came flowing back. There was a lot of frustration in our lives, with little excitement. Lots of prayers were going up, but not a lot of answers.
Then we moved a couple hours away and discovered we were pregnant with our son. During the pregnancy, I didn’t get my hopes up until after the first 10-weeks, because in the past, we never made it past the first 7-weeks. I was scared to go to our doctor appointments for fear they would say those dreaded words, “sorry we couldn’t find a heartbeat”.
I am very thankful for our two boys we have on earth, and I understand now why God took us through this journey. With all the heartache, pain, anger, disappointment, jealousy and judging, God was working on both my wife and I. For me, it was a humbling experience and a reminder that God is in control and I need to submit to Him and His plan. Although we don’t understand God’s plan for each of our lives, we are taught to trust in God and believe in Him through the good times and bad.
Through all of this, it has brought my wife and I closer to God. In addition, God has used our infertility and loss story to start Hearts Like Hannah’s, a ministry to support and encourage men and women and extend families journeying through infertility, pregnancy or infant loss. I love the opportunity to sit with men and share my journey to help encourage them and help them find ways to support their wives.
A scripture that has always helped me is Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path”.
If I can help you in any way please reach out to our ministry.
