This tool was created to give family and friends tangible ways to support those journeying through infertility, pregnancy and infant loss.
Grief can be overwhelming and often leaves people frozen or paralyzed mentally and emotionally, leaving them unable to think clearly. Asking, “What can I do for you?” feels like too much at times for the person suffering.
At the onset of crisis here are suggested ways to help:
-Pray
-Give gift of presence (you)- not advice
-Listen and be VERY slow to speak
-Meet practical needs (bring a meal, laundry)
Wounding Words:
If you have already said these words to someone suffering, accidentally or unknowingly, IT’S OK. Just move forward from here.
It rarely, if ever, feels supportive to tell them how the child they lost is in a better place, God needed another angel, time heals all wounds, or to say to they just need to have more faith so God will give them a child. These things, while well intended, can be wounding to your loved one.
Caring Words:
Instead, we would suggest the following phrases.
“There are no words to describe the devastation and loss you are experiencing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.”
“I am so sorry.”
“I am here for you.”
Below are some other suggestions of ways to support and love those you know who are suffering. We have categorized ways of support in love languages. This does not mean you have to know their love language, but if you do, these might be some areas that make the most impact. If you have questions or concerns reach out to us via:
Email: heartslikehannahs@gmail.com
Lastly, remember, it is not your responsibility to make them feel better; it is your opportunity to support and love them. You truly are the hands and feet of Jesus when you meet them where they are, sit with them, and meet practical needs. What an honorable opportunity we have!
How do I lovingly support someone who is suffering?
Quality Time:
This is the gift of presence. You are the gift. They may want someone to sit with them, watch a show with them, or even go shopping. It is not so much about the words that you say but your actual physical presence. Let them take the lead. They may want you to sit silently with or even just be with them while they do mundane things, but they want to do it with someone.
Oftentimes someone in grief just wants to feel normal even for a minute, and your presence can give them permission to do just that.
Acts of Service:
Frozen meals, gift cards, grocery shopping, and cleaning house all fall under these. By doing these types of service you are meeting a practical need but also communicating that you want to literally carry parts of the daily load for them. In setting up meal trains make sure it is communicated this is not a time to visit unless the receiver specifically asks you to stay and visit. We want to reduce the amount of burdens during this time which means we want to remove an expectation that the receiver has to visit to receive.
Words of Affirmation:
Write a card simply letting them know how much you care and that you are grieving with them. Avoid advice in these notes. They simply need to know you care and they are not forgotten.
Gifts:
Think of small things that make them feel pampered. Consider a “pamper basket.” These may consist of soothing teas, cute earrings, lip gloss, lotion, cozy socks or a throw blanket. Even a pair of cozy lounge pants communicates love, care, and that you see their need for rest.
We have also compiled a small list of gifts for remembrance here.
Physical Touch:
This one can feel tricky but it also can be so impactfull. A hug or hand squeeze communicates your care and concern with no words. The important part of physical touch is to think, “does this person in general appreciate physical touch?” If not, touch is probably not something that will make the most impact in grief.
We know that supporting those in need can be difficult. We hope this helps!
If you would like to order a care package for someone suffering with infant loss, pregnancy loss, or infertility, click here.