Remembrance

By: Baylee Dover

“There are few things more intimidating than staring at a blank paper, not knowing what to write. Trying to come up with traditions to honor your baby can feel a lot like a blank piece of paper. 

When I started thinking through what we could do as a family to remember and honor Melanie Kate, nothing felt like it was enough. I couldn’t think of a single thing that would show the world and my girl just how much she mattered. Here’s what I discovered: nothing I can do will ever be enough, and there’s freedom in that. I teach my living daughter that there’s nothing she can do to earn love- that it’s a gift. As one of our favorite books by Rachael Denhollander says “Your value is found not in what you can do, or the things you accomplish and win. It is found in how you were made precious girl- created and cherished by Him.” I can’t add value to Melanie’s life by being more or doing more. 

With all that said, there are a few things we’ve done and a few we continue to do to remember Melanie, especially at Christmas and on her birthday. Maybe you’ll find some inspiration in these practices, but don’t you dare walk away from reading this feeling like you don’t do enough. He is enough- rest in that truth.

First birthday

For Melanie’s first birthday we decided to have a family celebration. We started at her gravesite. David and I said a few things about what our first year without her had brought and we thanked everyone for carrying us through. Poppies have been kind of a “God sign” in my life, especially when it comes to Melanie, so we gave everyone poppy seeds to scatter around, with absolutely no expectation of them ever blooming. We then went to my grandparents house nearby for a meal, followed by cake and punch- because what’s a celebration without cake and punch? 

One Good Thing

Something we started the first year and have continued in various forms is “One Good Thing.” I flipped through my address book and asked on social media if anyone would like to join us in doing one good thing in honor of Melanie’s life. I mailed more cards than I could count along with tiny bags of poppy seeds to people I had never even met and received so many messages telling me what they chose to do. It was anything from paying it forward in the drive thru line to crocheting blankets for nicu babies to housing asylum seekers, decorating their room with poppies. 

The first year was the biggest. It was also absolutely exhausting and unsustainable. Our daughter, Katie, was born a few months before Melanie’s second birthday. That year, we sent a card with a birth announcement on the front, and our charge to do one good thing on the back. Each year since, we have sent a card. I’ve written poems, laments, Christmas card style updates. There are no rules or pressure. I just write whatever the Lord places on my heart and send it out and expect nothing in return. It’s been an easy, but healing practice for me. 

Family pictures

When we take family pictures, we usually try to have a framed picture of Melanie to include in at least one photo. I have failed many times at keeping up with this, and family photos in general. I love doing this though, because it’s one of the symbols of a “whisper and shadow of Heaven” to me. 

Christmas

At Christmas, our family is all over the place. We currently live overseas and travel back to be with family at Christmas, so there hasn’t been tons of space to establish any time consuming or extravagant traditions. My mom always hangs a stocking for Melanie, and my parents and sister always put a donation slip in it in her honor. Christmas has been the second-most emotionally taxing season for me as far as grief goes, so the most important thing I’ve begun to do has been to give myself grace and space. Whether it’s a walk away from people or taking extra time alone in the shower, it’s essential to just let me be a person for a minute. 

There are a million ways to remember and honor your baby, but if getting out of bed is the only thing you can do, no matter the occasion, it is enough.”

At Hearts Like Hannah’s, we also know that sometimes we want to purchase things that help us remember our babies’. Click here to see a list of links and items we have found to comfort us.